for the world.

All my life I've wanted to be something big; a doctor, a lawyer, an entrepreneur with an idea that will change the world forever.

Lemme rephrase that.
All my life, my dad's wanted me to be a doctor, a lawyer, or an entrepreneur. And with the fear that his acceptance will not be granted welling up in the pit of my stomach, or that I will not be a success...that I will be a cowardly, pointless failure with no life, had convinced me that that was exactly what I wanted too.
A few minutes ago, I looked at a relatively new picture of myself and thought, who is that girl, really? I've been struggling so painstakingly with that same question for over a year now. Who am I? What do I really want?
If you're thinking really intensely about it, it's 100% Earth-shatteringly scary. The kind of fear that makes you want to halt everything to be alone...and just think.
When I think of what I want for me and who I want to be, I'll have to be honest, I picture myself in blue scrubs performing some miraculous surgery and receiving the praise of my colleagues after. But as I get deeper into that thought...who wants to spend their days in one remote location; a stuffy, blase' hospital on a never ending shift that takes your life away and distances you from your own family?
I don't.
Sure, I want to change the world just like my dad wants me to, but not by brown nosing and butt kissing higher authorities until I can finally reach the same position they're in only to become filthy rich, send my kids away to a frou frou, top-of-the-line boarding school where they will not only become stuck up but also do drugs, have sex, get pregnant, and ultimately become the product of an overly wealthy idiot of a parent who spent too much time worrying about less important things than her children's future.
I want to do something completely selfless, completely for others (minus the butt kissing) because I love that.
In all of these months that have been the most melancholic and dreary times of my life, do you know the thing that has brought me the most joy was helping others? I won't bore you with the examples, but I read once before that a life lived for others is a life worth living. And I see that. I feel that.
Those are the moments I feel most fulfilled.
Not when I get an A+ and some praise from my teachers and parents, not when I make it into Pre AP Algebra, not when I go out and buy clothes for myself, or spend the day chilling out in my room just totally relaxed.
It's when I can help someone.
That's who I am.
I'm more sure than I've ever been before.
I want to cure diseases, travel the world, be a missionary and a witness to others.

Yes, daddy...I'll be changing the world.
But in a way better than any average lawyer or entrepreneur ever could imagine.
I'll be a disciple.