thoughts.

Isn't it ironic that the first night that I am actually tired, I don't want to go to sleep?

I'm at my dad's house tonight, sitting up in bed, dwelling on certain things which I would currently be discussing with my mom if it weren't for the dead battery on my phone. And here's a little more irony: I didn't bring a charger. Or maybe it's just a sprinkle of bad luck. Ah, well. As if I'm not a wee bit used to it by now.
Maybe some more irony, or a sprinkle of bad luck: Right when the gears seemed to click, and the puzzle pieces looked as though they may actually fit, it's going to be uprooted by the taunting and teasing habits of the mortgage business. She is quite a fickle industry, going back and forth from good to bad. I've seen her effects on my mother and trust me-it isn't pretty.
My mom has been holding the world on her shoulders for so many years. It's been a struggle in certain times, but at others....not so bad. She is iron woman, I swear. But even the strongest woman you can imagine can get a little burnt out and ready for other things. My mom is kinda like the boyfriend who is getting sick of the fickle girlfriend who is unable to make up her mind.
So, the bottom line is: I'm probably moving to a distant land we call....Russia.

Yeah, totally kidding. The bottom line really is: I'm probably moving to a distant land we like to call....Iowa. Where there are no house payments (No, that isn't normal. We just have a house in the family that we have been asked to live in by our grandfather-free!), you know everyone in the town by their first name, you have to drive about an hour for a real mall (Honestly, I don't care how long it takes as long as we get there! haha), and everyone is destined to be a farmer. (The last bit was a load of stereotyping and 100% crap....I just thought it sounded good with my description...?)
For the past year, I have gradually fallen in love with Iowa's simplicity and country charm. I actually love the shops they have downtown, and it has been said that Iowa actually sets the standard for education....I would think of Texas as a bunch of farmer hicks with no education before I would, Iowa. NOT that that's how farmers are because my uncle, grandpa, and great grandpa, and plenty of other incredible people in the family were farmers. Anyway, hopefully my point has been made.
The biggest downside? My parent's are divorced and my daddy will be allll the way down here in Texas, I finally have a real best friend who has no desire to control me, or get me into trouble, or hurt me...someone who I get along with like a sister and have fought with once (for stupid reasons that I made up in my head) in our entire 7 years of friendship, my parents are actually starting to argue over this, I have the most amazing and helpful cousin in the entire world, and I can hardly stop thinking about it.
It's almost unreal. Like I'm making this story up in my head or something. Or it's a false alarm. But what if it isn't? What if it is? What do I do?

I don't know.
I just don't know.

I know that they have my best interest at heart, and I absolutely love that they want to help me, but when people tell me that my mom will be less stressed out, the dogs will have more room to play, I will probably be the star volleyball and cross country star, I will be sooo popular (coooooool! :D:D haha) because it's a small town, remodeling Grandpa Kenny's house will be funfun, Landon won't be on his games as much, I will meet so many new Brittanys (which I am too stubborn to believe. No one can replace Brittany. No one.), there are no more house payments, and the goodness list can go on. But it is possible for three or four bad things to ruin all of the good stuff.
Especially when those things played such a roll in your life. What will Brittany do when Emily moves to SD, I'm in IA, Bri possibly goes to Colorado? (I'm hoping Mindy will still be there for her....) Will she be okay in her first year of high school? I HATE thinking that she will be facing a world of new challenges alone. Lance is gonna grow up so fast while I'm gone....and my dad and I won't have any more Wednesdays together, no more long, hard runs to just TALK about how my life is or who I like and how to get him, no more quick runs to Best Buy, no more homework help, no more Green Hill (even though I HATED the whole idea of that ridiculous prim and proper rich kids school)....and what about Katlyn? She lost Tori and now me too? I know I shouldn't worry about her because she's miss social butterfly....but I can't help it. And I hate to admit to wondering....will Tanner miss me? Will he forever regret not trying harder to get me back again. I mean....he said I was the "best girlfriend he ever had" and I won't be around to make sure that that is always true. XD
What am I gonna do without Paigey? She helped me through so much crap and she probably doesn't even realize it. I'm sure my life seems peachy keen from the outside...but it's just a whirlwind of emotion. And Paige was always there to talk me through it and get my mind OFF whatever it was that was bugging me at the particular time and place. That is a piece of help that most friends overlook these days.
What about ME? Will my grades drop because I'm focused on different times, places, and people? Will I be completely forgotten by everyone? Will I be anything other than dust in the wind? Will anyone even know that I'm gone?
Do I even exist? Sometimes I feel so alone even when everyone is there to hold my hand.

I know whatever is truly meant to be will find it's way....but I just don't see how this is meant for me right now.
I just don't see.