I want so badly to shout at everyone, scream in their faces to look at me.
Yelling sounds so wonderful right now. Or punching my hard fist into the stomach of a squishy pillow that will upchuck feathers everywhere. Throwing a 100 year old vase into a wall so that it knows how it feels to be thrust into someplace you don't wanna be, and then crying about it. No, sobbing nice, hard sobs that make your throat ache and turn the white in your eyes red and the blue the melancholy color of the ocean....like fire surrounding icy cold waters.
I want to cry all my tears away so that I have nothing left to cry, and then be happy again.
Then, I'll go to an open patch of soft, moist grass bright and early in the morning and twirl and run around in a bright yellow sundress until I fall down from exhaustion and just lie there looking at the jubilant sunshine, enjoying it's warmth with the coolness of the grass on my back.
It's kind of funny that everyone is so excited about this except for me. I feel so alone when someone with a 515 number calls our house and starts talking cheerfully and asking how packing is going.
Gee, guys. It's going so great! Just couldn't be happier. Really.
And then I have a friend or two who isn't even thinking about how I'm doing. All they'll say is, "No, I'm gonna die without you! Don't leave me!"
How could you even say that when I'm leaving the closest people I've got to sisters and my dad? Do you have to go through all that? No! So stop feeling sorry for yourself. You've got two supportive parents who give you everything you want.
Me? Well, it's just us women running this family, thank you very much for your concern.
And you know what surprises me most is how angry I am about the whole thing. I'm usually very optimistic and calm and collected about the hard things in life if you don't know me personally, but this ordeal has proven that I have another side. Mostly, I don't expose my anger in front of other people, but behind the closed doors of my mind, I'm furious. I'm selfish. I'm depressed.
And then, there's always the choices. This is my favorite part. I could stay with my dad, and be without my mom OR go with my mom and be without my dad. Which one sounds better to you guys? Either way, I have a very sad parent, and a very mixed-up-inside me.
I hate this more than anything that has ever happened to me.
HATE it.
4 comments:
i've movied before too. NOT fun :(
if it makes ya feel any better, you've been tagged! visit my lastest post for more details :)
I'm so sorry you feel that way. Sometimes you have to just pour it out. Let the tears be filled with sadness. And once after even if you do feel sad. You have to try to look at the happiness in every situation, even if it's hard. I hope you feel better.
I hate moving too!!
It sucks!
just think of it as starting over new,
forget juicy coture, people think hollister is the freakin best there :)
justttt... i don't know..
i reallllly reallly don't.
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