The Current State of Alaina

So you want to know how I'm doing? How is my life?
You have no idea. I'm such a bright smiling face, aren't I? You wouldn't, for a second, suspect the confused, questioning girl that lies underneath. I'm searching desperately for answers. I can't even FEEL.

I left my home. Left it all behind. Everything I'd ever known, ever loved, ever been close to. After suffering from a horrific numbness to all feeling for months, you must understand how unbelievably lost I was. My life was full of desolate nothingness. I was left with no love and no love to my name. Alone, cold, and weary. I couldn't sleep without dreaming of home. You can't even imagine how much it hurts to wake up to a negative twenty degree morning and find that you're not there. It's the sharpest incision, straight to the heart. I couldn't be friends with anyone else, naturally. I already had that. Didn't I? Or was I losing it just as fast as we'd lost our home to the trials of debt.

Yes. She slipped through my fingers like a bar of soap. And when I finally realized it, it was so late. Months and months too late. She'd already succumbed to the weight of the distressing trials she'd faced. Her trials had once been my trials. That was something incredible...that was what made our bond unbreakable. I could endure every second by her side and I could pull her through. I could hold her hand. Now, I have no idea what's going on with her. Brittany Michelle. Sometimes I still want to take the blame for what has happened. I could have stayed here in Denton. I could still be there for her. I know I could have found a way...

And Paige. The waterworks started long ago, but now they are coming steadily. I miss you more than anyone. No matter how many times I forced you into the background, you were ALWAYS there for me! I don't know how to deal with the fact that I don't see you every other weekend anymore. I try to mask the fact that I really do miss you. And I'm so good at disguising my pain that I've even fooled myself. I know I've neglected our relationship and once again, shoved you into the shadows....but please be patient with me. I don't know what to do....

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm constantly bouncing back and forth. This summer, I wanted to be the first woman to Mars. I wanted to go to MIT and become a biomedical engineer. I wanted to be an entrepreneur. I wanted to do exactly what my DAD wants for me. But, damn it, I don't WANT that! Do I? Do I....?
Or do I want to fall in love....love to a fault, and get myself into trouble. All I'll ever want out of my life is to love him. To adore him with all the passion I posses. If I do love him to the extent that I want, I'll never have time to go to Mars! I'll never have time for MIT, nor for engineering, or running my own company.
And then one day, when I'm sitting in my rocking chair, will I regret not using the beautiful mind I've been gifted with to it's full potential?
I could also picture it inverted. I go to MIT, become an engineer, go to Mars, run a company...and look back and wonder why I didn't stay with him. Why didn't I marry the love of my life at the tender age of eighteen. Oh, the adventures we would have had! Why did I crave any more than those...?

I'm constantly searching for Jesus, but so often, I lose the energy. I lose the fire. I want to reach out to Him. I want to be close to Him. I WANT TO BELIEVE! But sometimes it's just so hard. I can't find Him! I know no more than that I need Him in my life; but it's so hard.

I'm such an insomniac. I can't sleep because I have so many thoughts buzzing through my mind. I can't silence my mind. I sometimes wonder if I even have control over it....it just wanders on it's own. When I wake up in the morning, thirty minutes too late, I'm still exhausted. I go through the day, lacking in energy, purple circles under my eyes, an aching in my temples and in my back....I laugh, thinking that maybe I'm just a slave to my thoughts.

Am I really getting old enough to where I should be feeling like time passes faster every day? Am I nearing mid-age, or am I really a mere fourteen years old? Each season seems to fly by a little quicker and with a little less splendor. I'm number every year. I notice the passing of time less and less. It just flies.

Noise! It bothers me. I like silence now, instead of loud music. I like to clean! What is that? I get stressed out at the smallest things. I worry about my animals. I know what it feels like to love unconditionally. I'm becoming my mother; more and more every day.

Nathan. There, I used your name again. Prepare yourself; the next few sentences are about you. It took me so long to convince myself that I really did love you. I have witnessed loves like ours come to a morbid end, first hand. My mother and my father....the more time I spend with you, the more our love reminds me of theirs. Yet, it's so different in many ways. Anyway, I spent months and months frightened to love you. Reluctant to try. I didn't want this to end disastrously. Tell me it won't as many times as you will, but how can I just say okay to that? I'm still wounded from the trauma that TWO divorces caused me. It takes me a long time to heal, and you should be aware of the fact that with as much as I do love you now....if you ever leave me, I'm never getting over you. I don't know how I'll ever get through it. I don't have the slightest clue what I'll do with myself.
That's what scares me the most.
OH! And I'm upset with you right now. Last night, you knew that I was frustrated that I couldn't talk to you. I made you promise me something; that we would talk for a good long time tonight.
Thank you for living up to that.


So you tell me to write how I feel. What's going on in my life right now. There's a lot more depth to it than even I thought, until you asked me that very question.

I'm lonely. I'm hurting. I miss you.
I don't mean to ruin your night.
Have fun with your friend.