Nerd Socks.

When we sit down and talk about these things, I always feel the familiar build up of anger. How could he love her? What does he see in her? Has he looked at her nose recently? It seems to be growing larger.....
I don't understand. I feel like she's taking him away from me and enjoying every second of it. I know the Christian thing to do would be to look at this with a positive perspective, let it slide, and love her just as Jesus himself would have....but how can I when she stole him away from all of us; Mama, Landon, and I? How am I to treat her with love when I often feel none at all?
Doesn't Daddy ever think of how happy we were together? We were such a great family, I remember! I remember sitting on his shoulders as we'd sing George of the Jungle around our block on Blue Jay. He'd nearly run us into a tree and I'd shout, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE!" I remember all three of us going to the park one night. My mom was on the swing with me on her lap, my dad pushing us with me saying, "Higher! Higher!" I remember sitting next to my mom in the car, singing happily to some song by Celine Dion, applying her dark reddish super 90's lipstick. I even remember that UGLY green van that my dad had. I used to sit in the middle just like Landon does. I remember Internet Global, renting movies from the Blockbuster close to our old house and even having Grandma and Grandpa Gorton over when Landon was born.
Why can't it still be that way? Why did they give up?
I realize that it will be this way forever and most of my friends, not understanding the magnitude of the hurt this divorce has caused me yet with nothing but good intentions, tell me that it will be okay! That in the end, hey! It will be all fine and dandy! It's always just great because we have both of our parents here, lending us hundreds of dollars in cash as we walk out the door to go to the mall, taking us from activity to activity with no stresses, buying us everything we could dream of for birthdays and Christmas and Easter and Valentines Day, and heck! Even Memorial Day! So, sure! It'll be great.
You know, we don't even have a stepmother who has a son with our dad....which, you know, occupies most of his time. I mean, thank GOD we don't have a brother who is the moon and the stars who gets whatever he wants when he wants it. And with one tiny whine, whim, or cry we give him things...lots and lots of things that will satisfy his every need.

I guess the big point here, is that I'm jealous. That's my daddy, my life. The life we were supposed to have, the one WE rightfully deserved....and Lance and Shelley got it.
But, tonight, my mom and I started talking about all of the above, and she told me something that made me break down in tears.
She said that she'd emailed Byron, my dad's best friend, before dad and I went to Ranier to climb up to the ice ridge. She said that she was worried....and he'd climbed that mountain with my dad before.
"You don't need to worry at all. Alaina is her dad's heart. He wouldn't do anything to jeopardize her safety." was his reply.
Which lead my mom into saying that the reason Shelley gives me such a hard time is probably because she KNOWS that. She KNOWS that I'm dad's number one, and she's jealous.
She will never have that same relationship with him, and will never be as close to him as I am.
And THANK GOD Lance turned out to be a boy, because I am NOT sharing my postition with any other girl.
I am number one.
Take that Shelley.(: