i'm addicted to you. :] pretty neat, huh.?

shut up. i'm not writing this blog to please you. if you're sick of the tanner thing, don't read the blog. get it? got it? good. this is a really good blog post. im just using my circumstances as an example.



addictions.

we all have them.

i'm not specifically talking about the drugs and alcohol kind of thing.

an addiction could be something simple. its hard to explain, really. but, here's what i'm talking about;

holding on.

and letting go.

maybe it's that sometimes, thats all we've been shown. that's all we really know to happen.

this really cute guy asks you out, you get so close and tell all your secrets until he's become this unbearably loveable figure that you can never get out of your head. he loves you, you love him....

and it all ends up with breakups, splitups, and divorces.

that is, honestly, sometimes how i feel. thats what i've grown up with.

i felt like being single was the best thing for me. i felt like he treated me like crap when the only thing he ever really did to upset me was not replying to my messages and not getting together with me. you know, when we were texting after i broke up with him, he said something like, "well i'm sorry that i have a life and play sports." that really comes back to haunt me, now. he had a life. i said, "i have just as much a life as you do, i just cared more." and after a few seconds, he just texted me right back and said, "i really really like you, lainey."

i was about to say to brianna, "this doesn't feel right, i feel so bad." but she'd already started laughing at him. so i just went along with it.

this is addiction number one. breaking up.



even when i called it over with him, it was like i expected it to all be okay. i expected him to try and try and try to get me back, until one day i just gave in and we got back together again. i expected us both to keep holding on. i really really did. whenever brianna asked me, "do you want me to just do it for you?" i thought that was what i wanted at the moment. but i realize now, that what i really wanted, was not to break up with him, but to make him chase after me. i wanted him to want me because at the time, i felt unwanted. i felt like he was sick of me and like he was to busy for me. whatever. i was so wrong. especially to get my friend to do it for me. can you imagine how hard that was? hearing brianna say, "hey, tanner...you know how alaina wanted to talk to you? well, yeah, she wants to break up with you." he just hung up.
i think we probably did the same thing at the same time. my entire body went numb. i got that tingly feeling in my throat...like right before you're about to throw up. i wanted to jump into the pool right in front of me. not in a suicidal way, but in an "i need to get away where no one will follow, where no one will be. i just need to get out of here. i wanted to fall onto my knees down onto the pebble paved ground and pound my head into it. it was like this rush of "what the heck?" all over my body. it didnt really register what happened until brianna handed me back my phone and said, "there. its done."

now i'm in this numb state all of the time. i feel the same way i did that day, everyday now. okay, no, i dont constantly feel in that, "what the heck?" state...but when i see him....thats when the "what the heck?" comes back. i keep kind of....getting high off of the fact that maybe we'll be together again. maybe we'll be tanner and alaina, the perfect jr. high couple alllll over again.
but when all of that goes away....
when you strip down to what you really and truly have,
in my case, tanner buxton, the guy that i adore who likes natalie king [oh, she is single by the way.].....
the things that we've been getting high off of....just disappear,
and the numbness....
starts to hurt.